4(ish) weeks to go!

36 weeks yesterday! The most remarkable thing about this pregnancy so far is how easy it’s been, even compared to my pregnancy with Aftasie. I haven’t had any carpal tunnel, minimal hip pain while sleeping (although it’s a little worse during the day, I think), and I just feel good. My feet haven’t swollen yet, either, although some of my shoes seem kind of snug. It’s getting a wee bit harder to sleep but it’s not from any particular discomforts, I just can’t seem to settle down. I’m getting practice contractions here and there but if anything, they’ve lessened, and they aren’t as intense as they have been in the past few months. I can also hold a full bladder of pee! :D

I’m sure I can be plenty uncomfortable in the next 4 weeks but I’m just grateful for what I have right now. I am looking forward to doing full yawns instead of this uncomfortable, gasping type of yawn (I just can’t get the air in!).

I’m trying to figure out how to make a cheesecake that will be ready to eat after the baby comes! I think it would be good for about a week in the fridge, but I don’t want to wait too late, either. Maybe I’ll just have the ingredients on hand and start on it when I think I might be in labor. Haha. I don’t know if that’s going to work. I can imagine myself not able to finish it. I need to print out detailed instructions so someone else can finish it while I deliver the baby :P

The midwife brought the birth pool and some of her bags yesterday to leave with us. Super exciting. I’m actually hoping the baby will be late, because it would work better with school, but who knows!

School – eh, school is fine. Lots of busy work. I think I prefer lecture, test, lecture, test. It’s mostly smaller assignments, presentations, papers etc. Plus tests. But mostly easier ones.  Kind of annoying. We are now 8 weeks into the semester so I’m finishing up my public health rotation at hospice and will be starting a 7 week rotation in maternity next week. And after that comes winter break! Next semester I have an 8 week rotation in mental health and then an 8 week rotation at the hospital doing a preceptorship, which as far as I understand involves working more or less independently undert the supervision and guidance of a nurse. I have 1.5 semesters left before I’m done! Pretty exciting. I’ll be relieved once I get past maternity and actually get all of my hours in for that class. I’m pretty sure we have 135 hours of clinicals due in each class, which works out to be about 16-20 hours each week. There are various things other than being on site that count as hours, such as lab, extra classes, etc.

All Through the House...Was Quiet

Porter surprised me this morning with the sink full of dishes that I left last night washed and by taking Aftasie out for a long walk/adventure!! I don't quite know what to do with myself, but I finished the Harper's article on Algebra II and am halfway through my HOT cup of coffee (it's still hot!!) :D

I was going to blog about cleaning the house the other day but didn't have time, but now that seems so boring and mundane. It was just some blather about two periods of house-state: you have the clean and the dirty. Dirty is inevitable, even if only for moments, because you live in the house and make a mess. Clean is what you want. You try to make it easier to make it clean, but you still have to deal with dirty. No matter how good my maintenance PLAN, I still get behind in the dishes sometimes and I have to deal with that. Now if my maintenance was actually perfect, I'd never have to worry, but no one is perfect 100% of the time on everything.

So on the one hand, I want to make it easier to get the dishes done and try to maintain them, but I also have to face the fact that sometimes there is nothing to do but just do the mountain of dishes.

So depressing, eh? :) I guess practice of maintenance will make better.

Pictures

One thing that's usually missing around here is pictures. And when I go back in my archives and notice a post with pictures, I enjoy it so much :) I enjoy the pictures of Aftasie the most, but here's one of me that I'm sure I will appreciate later because it's a preggo pic!

24 weeks this week. 6 months! And really, if I wear baggy tops, no one knows I'm pregnant. I've had so many surprised "Really!? How far along are you?" reactions :P

Blackberries Galore!

I should have taken a picture but they're now baked into crisp or in the freezer awaiting processing for blackberry wine (!). We went out yesterday and picked five pounds, which, granted, is not a TON, but for me picking by myself with Aftasie toddling along half of the time, it's not too bad :) We also found a great area to pick, thanks to a friend who suggested to pick by the train tracks. I was afraid of picking there with Aftasie, because it's right next to where the train would come through, so we wandered a bit and found some perfect, loaded patches.

I'm finding it hard to blog because there's something else on my mind that I don't know if I want to get into. I have my own faults, don't get me wrong. Maybe I should just leave it at that :) Misconceptions abound in the world, don't they? Hopefully I'll figure out more things that I have as misconceptions as I go along. It does make my blood boil. But heck! It's OK. Someone else can have a different understanding of something, or even be prejudiced, and I can't really say much that will change their mind and that's OK. Just leave them alone.  OK :)


In 5 days I'm going to pass the CLEP test for Human Growth and Development! This is a class that was on the docket for the year Aftasie was born, but I said I was going to CLEP it. So I studied a little, took it, and missed by one point! George Fox has a passing grade that is 15% higher than most other schools. So technically I passed very well, high above the passing mark, except that GFU has the grade set a little higher. So, 6 months later, I took the test again, and got the exact same score!!! This time I'm going to get one point higher, a PASSING GRADE, OK? I feel a lot more confident about the material, although I'm extremely irritated at having to study it a third time. I can't wait till I can just flush all of this trivial info down the drain (I'm not a fan of the "science" of psychology, and honestly, 99% is a bunch of BS, and it's not fair to even call it science). (Tell me I'm wrong when every page contradicts itself, and makes statements like "Science discovered babies feel pain." Stupidheads.) Part of the problem with passing may be, indeed, do they want me to answer according to Piaget? To his critics? To Vygotsky? It's really ridiculous to call it a science, they should call it a religion, IMHO. (Yes, I'm SOOO humble. And I'm also not full of my own prejudices!). If you're a psychologist I can be friendly, though :) I think people who want to be psychologists to help people probably have become able to help people despite the theories of their religion, not because of them. But anyway, enough of my opinion. And good luck to me on passing and feeling a little less irritated at psychology.

Organization Systems vs Organization Habits

I have tried to be organized for a long time. I found a book when that really helped me with the basics of logistics of organization called -- I can't remember! But if I remember I'll try to remember to add it :P Incidentally, it was not really approved of because it contained the devil psychology (ooooh!). Anyway, it had you make lists of what was working for you, as far as organization goes, and what was not working. Then the plan was to work on the non-working areas, and see why they didn't work and what solutions were best for you. This was great and I got a lot of new storage ideas and had my things pretty organized. But I'd still come to these massive, clothes-on-the-floor, nothing put away, it's-going-to-take-hours-to-clean days. Why, since I had everything very "organized" when I did finally clean up?

I have known people who spent a lot of time organizing but never really seemed satisfied with their organization. That has been me for a long time, until recently I haven't really had time to do even the organization part. I've discovered something new that at least holds true for me, and I imagine it does for you as well.

The only thing to keep a neat, tidy, organized home is habitual maintenance. THERE IS NO MAGIC SYSTEM! Stop buying books! Stop trying new methods! There is also no magic suddenly-clean-from-here-out method. You have to decide to habitually maintain and then just start putting things away. You don't have to do go on one huge organizing binge. If you start putting things away your house will become clean. The only way to keep a clean, organized bathroom shelf is to put everything away as soon as you are done using it. The only way to keep your clothes organized in your drawers is to put them away or in the hamper as soon as you are done using them, and they will only be stored as neatly as you fold them in the first place before you put them in the drawer.

Seems simple, eh? And I've been missing this my entire life, practically.

There are various methods that will make maintenance simpler and easier, and those are methods that you should work on. But it won't work without continual work! You can't just organize things in a drawer and then expect them to stay that way (unless you never use the stuff, in which case just throw it all out). You have to put each item back where it belongs as soon as possible. Otherwise your drawer will be disorganized again. Nothing is going to go back to its organized state (in its place) without you putting it there!

Since our lives are continually changing, you will probably have to do things that improve your organization system continually as well. Bought something new? Where are you going to put it? Take up a new hobby? How are you going to keep things up?

It's a little more difficult with children, I think, because they move your stuff. But you can teach them to put things back and try to make things very simple for them. For instance, while I haven't gotten Aftasie to put her books back each time on the shelf yet, they are just piled there in a way that would be easy for her to return them to when she gets the hang of it. I don't bother straightening the books every time I walk by because I would be straightening them every 5 minutes and that's a waste of time. Her toys don't have to be placed neatly on a shelf, they just go in bins.

NY Family Reunion

We left on the 1st at 7 pm and flew out at 10pm. Then we arrived at JFK (yep!) with our suitcase, carseat and bag about 5.5 hours later at 6:30am and had to figure out how to get from JFK to Penn Station to take the Amtrak to upstate. It should have been simple, but the shuttle (that was twice as costly as public transport, but promised to be simpler) only took us to Grand Central Station. So we walked around Grand Central Station for a bit. So many people! Poor Aftasie was getting tired of the constant hand holding but there was no way I was going to let her disappear in the crowd. And tired, too, because she'd only slept about 4 hours on the plane.

Anyway, to make this part of the story short, we rode multiple subways and had to walk up and down multiple, long staircases and lots of New Yorkers helped us out! One woman (who had an accent just like my relatives) walked us three blocks to the Amtrak station once we had gotten off the subway.

Then we had a lovely 2.5 hour train ride, during which Aftasie slept in our seats and I slept on the floor. I was soo tired that I didn't care how filthy dirty the rug must have been. Then a cousin picked us up at the station and we had a LOVELY time with relatives in upstate NY. Vincent and Peter my brothers came, too! That was so nice. It was so nice to be supported and have people around who like me, who are also related to me! :)

Then we did pretty much the same thing on the way back but it was a lot easier because a cousin told us about an easy way to get from Penn Station to JFK (only two stops!) and we started our journey at 9am instead of at 7pm, which made a huge difference. We got home at 1am EST, where we had come from, which made our trip about 16 hours. Aftasie slept in the plane and I just sat there until we arrived. Oh yeah, I played some game Peter put on the ipad we borrowed - mushroom wars? It was weird, but it did pass some of the time :) Thanks Pete.

It is SOOOO good to be home. I feel refreshed. I feel like I actually did something! I think I have a hard time during the summer because I don't have as much to do as during the school year. It really helps if I am pushing myself. Otherwise everything becomes "break time" and I get frustrated. While I was bored and not doing much to keep up the house before I left, I have done loads of cleaning and feel all ready to do practically anything!

"The Amazon Pool," or "It's a Small World"

If you are in Eugene (and have children!), you should visit the Amazon pool! It is huge -- much bigger than I had imagined. I've walked by in the past but I am not one for "playing" in the pool alone, and I prefer to swim laps if I'm just by myself at the pool. But anyway, it has four separate pools, some fountains, two water slides (Aftasie and I rode one! She loved it) and a kiddie area that's only 1' deep.

Aftasie and I went yesterday, since the sun finally came out and it was warm enough to go. She almost jumped into the pool in front of me and I had to run to stop her from drowning. Then when we went into the "gradient" side of the pool where it gets progressively deeper, she just ran in till she was over her head, and that incident did not stop her from continuing to walk in that direction, and she had the most fun bobbing up and down where it was high enough to come to her chin. Brave girl!

After we were there for a few hours, I looked over to the kiddie pool that we hadn't really been in yet and there was a woman sitting there with two children who looked familiar. I went over -- "Is it Elizabeth?" Sure enough, it was Elizabeth and her two boys from Mildly Amusing Musings, which I follow! To be fair, her husband is from Eugene, and I knew that, but she lives in Seattle now and I would have never imagined I'd just run into her while we were both on trips to Eugene! It was so fun to meet someone you know online randomly in person and we had some good conversation, while I wasn't running after Aftasie who kept trying to go in over her head. (Got to teach that girl how to swim, pronto!).

It's a small world, eh? :)

Housesitting

We are down in Eugene housesitting and it has rained. Every. Day. It's great, because it means I don't have to water the garden or lawn (the main reason I'm here!) but it also means we can't enjoy the spray park, only two blocks away, or go to the pool (we have free passes!). In the meantime, though, we've got rain gear and we've been walking all over town. It's GREAT to see Aftasie walking miles. Sometimes it takes (a lot of) encouragement, but she makes it without any signs of fatigue. Just signs of boredom :P Our newest thing is counting the sidewalk blocks, and she knows the faster she runs the faster I have to count, so that's a little incentive for her :) 

Has anyone watched Babies? I highly recommend it. Aftasie is in her, hm, 6th time watching it? It documents 4 babies in different countries from birth to first steps. It really is quite endearing and in a certain scene, while a baby is born, Aftasie exclaims "The baby came out of momma's belly!!" It's great also since she'll have a little sibling here before too long :) 

Speaking of which, 19 weeks today! I can't believe I'm almost halfway through. Nausea is completely over, thank God, and the baby is moving a lot :) I felt it from the inside a few days before 16 weeks, and then outside a few days after 16 weeks! Porter felt the baby around 17 weeks, which if I recall is a lot earlier than last time. I was surprised it took till 16 weeks for me to feel him/her, because it's the same time I felt Aftasie and I expected to feel this one much earlier. But anyway! I'm sooo happy to feel the baby move. It makes me happy every time. 

Also on the baby front, Aftasie and I are down to two nursing sessions a day. Kind of :\ and kind of :D! I've decided that for my sanity I'm only nursing her to go down for naps and to go down to sleep initially at night. And she's doing splendidly. She slept last night from 9 to 5am, which is pretty amazing! That is a full night sleep for me, really. She asks for milk initially and then I explain that she needs to go potty, that I'm going to get a cup of milk and a snack, and then we're both going to go back to sleep and she's perfectly OK with it. She doesn't always sleep those hours, but I'm excited to be going towards a full night of sleep fairly regularly till the baby comes. Of course, I have to get up and pee now, and I wake through the night anyway :P 

But honestly, nursing while you're pregnant does NOT feel anything like nursing when you're not pregnant (for me, anyway). It's been so jarring on my nerves and it doesn't feel like nursing anymore. It feels like she's just twiddling my nipples for however long she nurses, which is extremely annoying and just too much sensation for me. I'm really hoping that it is more comfortable when the baby comes (and I trust it will be) because I loved nursing while unpregnant, for the most part, but I really dislike it while pregnant :( Just being honest, here. I feel a little like a failure for not completely letting Aftasie self-wean and that I sometimes refuse to give her milk, and I just want to stand up and say that it IS extremely wearing and I am having a hard time nursing her now. It is good to me, though, that she doesn't cry about it or anything. She will ask twice sometimes, but usually I just explain what's happening and she says OK. 

Nightmares and stuff

Last night I had a dream in which I couldn't remember anything about nursing and I didn't even stay with my patient. Not quite a nightmare, but it was unsettling! 

The night before I had a nightmare about my parents. It's quite common, and it usually involves a rough scenario of what happened surrounding the time I left. I try not to judge my parents, but I still have to deal with what happened. Hopefully these will go away in time. If my parents are reading, I can only hope that they understand the trauma that was inflicted on me by this situation and their actions towards me. I also want them to know how happy I am with my choices, and that I'm grateful that they helped push me out of the house by being so radical. I just wish I'd done it sooner! It could have been a lot less traumatic all around. 

But anyway, that stuff is all so dark to think about. It's better to think about now, and freedom, and the joy that life brings when you are free to be. Aftasie being a vibrant, happy, free, and pleasant little person makes me so happy. 

What is so striking between myself and Aftasie is that at this age I would have had been spanked -- a LOT. My dad believed (believes? I haven't talked with him about it lately) that if you haven't "conquered a child's will by two years of age, they're lost forever to rebellion." This was done by spanking until the child obeys perfectly, even if it's a trivial thing and not dangerous to self or person, or anything like that. Aftasie has been spanked zero times and I am so relieved that I am free to parent the way I see fit. She is not a little demon. She is not bad. She is not even difficult to deal with, really. She reacts like a person because she is a person! We interact the way people do. 

The whole spanking thing, while I'm on this topic, really is so absurd if you just think about your dealings with another adult. Would you spank your neighbor because she won't do what you want? Your spouse? Would you "train" your spouse into eating his vegetables by spanking him until he eats them? Hahaha. How absurd!? Besides, breaking a person's will is simply unconscionable. 

Besides, where did spanking get me in my parents' scheme for me? Maybe they would say they just didn't spank me enough...

Some Nursing Mother Ramblings

I sat down over an hour ago to blog some thoughts I had, and I  got distracted and then Tass woke from her nap, so I didn’t get to do it!

This morning the newest edition of Midwifery Today came and there were a bunch of photos from a photo contest. One of them had a woman nursing her daughter in a birthing pool with a new baby on the other side of her chest (presumably nursing) with the father also in the pool looking on. Now these days, when I get the time to look at stuff like Midwifery Today, or photos of babies, I just tear up. I am not normally like that so I chalk it up to pregnany hormones. I mean, yeah, I tear up a lot anyway, but this is like crying on steroids. It’s so easily provoked! But looking at this picture I was so touched, and then I thought about all of the frustration and resentment I’ve had nursing Aftasie. Overall, I’ve loved nursing. I loved the feeling of holding a  baby in my arms and giving them nourishment, and I loved nursing Aftasie when she was a lot smaller. But somewhere along the line I really lost the joy. These days putting Aftasie to sleep on the nipple has been frightfully frustrating because pregnancy has made my nipples feel like she is ripping them off when she first latches on and when I let down. But through the past year or so I really have forgotten about all of the ideals I had about nursing, and all of the things I believed about nursing as nurturing. I have simply seen it as a frustrating moment to be lived through. I don’t really want to wean her, because I know we’ll lose a connection that will never happen again, and I don’t necessarily want to hurry that away. I also have been finding no value in the here and now and in the present act of nurturing my daughter. Why does she want to nurse? She’s not hungry or thirsty, so why should I nurse her? But why does she want to nurse? I think I’ve refound my inspiration to nurse her, as I see ourselves in a clearer picture of who we are -- she is a very young child and I am her mother. She’s not nursing to frustrate me or control me, and it’s not her fault it hurts to nurse these days. She wants to be close to me, and to suck, as she's done from birth, and maybe have a comfy place to lie down. Heck, it hurt like hell the first week and I was nothing but gushing for her (with tears in my eyes for the pain!).

Other things I’ve realized today that are related to nursing are that it’s OK to struggle. We hung out at the park with some other moms today (as is becoming our habit!) and it’s nice to hear that no one feels particularly productive as far as housework goes, and to hear people admit that they just can’t do it all. I can’t either! It makes me resent it less when I hear other moms say the same thing. It’s not like my own personal problem, it’s just parenting. Yeah, kids take a lot of time. Yeah, you don’t keep the house spotless. And it’s OK. It really is. The problem is that it’s not REALLY OK -- I don’t like the house a mess. It’s learning not just how to not feel guilty about it but not be bothered so much by it. I mean, I guess some people are able to have a spotless house, but I'm not one of them.

On another note, it’s also not true that no one has time for anything as a parent. I brew, I cook, I do a little school, but there is less time in a day simply because my time is divided. I think organization must really be key to being more productive and I’d like to figure out how to work that into my life. I’ve aready mention meals, I think, and the dishes goal (which is going great! Except for the one night when I cooked for a potluck and thought to myself “Oh, the dishes will wait.” Haha! Yes, they waited. And waited, for three days until the kitchen was smelly.

That’s another thing I have to touch on here. While it’s true that your child “won’t keep,” which usually is followed by something like “So don’t do the dishes” -- do you know how much worse it is if you don’t do the dishes? I just don’t understand how this could be true. I mean, what is your child going to be doing LATER when you do the HUGE pile of dishes that stinks to high heavens? Goodness, no, this is just a recipe for super-frustration. At least this is what I've found.

Different Stages

I have been hanging out with moms recently, since Aftasie goes out on playdates and we meet at places like the library and the indoor fun parks around here. I was just realizing today how out of sync my life projects are with most of the rest of "normal" people. When I'm at school, there is pretty much no one pregnant. You're the anomaly if you are. In these groups of moms out there, practically everyone is pregnant or has a child or more, and everyone owns an Ergo and potty training is either coming up or just finished.

I know it's not really the general public, though, since plenty of moms are working instead of having the luxury of taking children out on playdates and such. (And believe me, I never understood the word "playdate" --and even thought it was funny --  until I had a kiddo!). But anyway, it's just dawning on me that it really is not the usual thing to raise a family and do undergraduate at the same time (statistically speaking, that is).

But I guess I'm not a statistic, am I? :)

Christmas in May

I am SO blown away and happy by the wonderful gift I got from a friend recently. She just had another baby and asked me if I wanted her maternity clothes. GODSEND! I wore out a lot of the clothes I had with Aftasie because I had so few -- the pants got holes in places that made them absolutely indecent and I had to throw them away, and some of the shirts are stained. Well, anyway, I am just getting to the size where I'm not really fitting in my regular shirts and they don't hang down long enough to cover my pants. And here comes this huge box of cute maternity clothes that, excepting two pieces, fit me and they are are really nice. Like Christmas on steroids. Except I never used to get presents on Christmas, really, so like birthday on steroids I guess. It was WONDERFUL to unpack the box. Now I just have to pack away the clothes that are getting too small and I should have a much easier time managing my clothes.

Also, I love it when the best solution to shoes is to look in your closet. Granted, I don't really have many shoes to begin with (I think I might be up to 8, counting flip-flops) but I had totally forgotten about this great pair of shoes I had scored at the thrift store that meet all of the expectations I had noted here in the last post -- brown leather, comfortable for walking, nicer than sneakers without being dressy. LOVE it. Also, I realized I have a few maternity dresses in the closet, which is going to be perfect once summer re-arrives (it's begun to rain again, and probably will for the next month or so). I think I had gotten them at the very end of pregnancy last time so I didn't have much of a chance to wear them since I was pregnant mostly in the winter.

Habits

So, I know I get the same thing happening every season, and especially whenever I get busy. My personal-belonging-life falls apart. Even my not-so-personal-belonging-life falls apart, as much as it depends on me to keep them clean and organized. And I am really concerned that I am using incorrect punctuation, but I can't decide whether there is one too many dashes. Dash it! Oh well :)

Ok, so my conclusion after a lot of thought is that my today-self is making my tomorrow-self hate myself. I'm not doing myself a favor by not doing the dishes after each meal, or by putting off any kind of small, easily performed cleaning till tomorrow. I'm going to have change habits. Right now I feel so behind because my own laundry from LAST week is not put away yet and the kitchen is a mess from last night's flurry of cooking and eating. So. Where to start?

There are two domains that I think need to be dealt with, mostly, because they have to do with every day routine occurrences. One is the kitchen (food) and the other is the bedroom (clothes). The living room and toys don't really bother me so much -- the toys can wait, spilled food CANNOT. I'm pretty good about this in the living room because we have a carpet and I just can't let things sit. But on the kitchen floor? Eh. (I'm talking about little spills here, though, understand. They just build up if not dealt with).

So two habits to begin immediately, well, three.

1. all dishes get rinsed off when finished using them and stacked neatly on the counter next to the sink
2. all clothes get sorted immediately as to whether they can be worn again and put away or in the laundry, even if I'm planning on putting it on later again
3. I'm including this third, even though it should be a no-brainer; all recyclables and trash immediately go to their designated receptacles. It's easy for me to stash tissues by the couch, for instance, because I don't want to get up and put them in the trash. But this is, well, disgusting. Likewise, that can that held salmon is still in the sink and it's going to be disgusting if it hasn't been really well-rinsed and out, and I should have put it in the recycle yesterday

I have tried things like "All dishes must be done at night" but sometimes it's just too overwhelming or I actually don't have the time to do them. This way I can keep the kitchen at least more attractive during its dirty phases.

Pregnancy Thus Far

So, here I am coming up on 14 weeks! I can't say the pregnancy has flown by so far, because the nausea has really made things feel dragged out. But I am afraid once I feel better the weeks are going to fly and I'm going to be un-pregnant again before I know it.

Now, I LOVE the thought of my new little baby being born, but I also am looking forward to this pregnancy SO much. I can't wait to be sure I am feeling the baby move. I felt like I was feeling the baby last night but I was so groggy that I was just really excited and not really sure what I was feeling. I keep having flashbacks to when Aftasie was in the womb. I remember her position, and how her heels felt sticking out on the right side of my belly, and the glorious flips that occurred occasionally. I mean, I really enjoyed pregnancy last time once the morning sickness was over. I guess by the time the end has come I will be feeling that it was long enough, but I am still know that pregnancy is such a short fraction of life that it most definitely will fly by whether or not I pay attention to it, and I really don't want to miss it (especially the "easy" second trimester coming up!).

Another thing that may sound crazy is that I honestly am looking forward to labor. I can't wait! I know I've done this before. I can't say I remember the pain, because I can't feel it again, but I remember my thoughts and the feelings that went with it -- "OH, this is why women want epidurals!" and "I want my midwife here NOW," and not being able to talk during contractions, and goodness, the pushing. But it was like running a marathon. Sure, you don't feel comfortable during part of it, and sure, you have little flashes of doubt that you can finish, and sure, you are looking forward to the finish line, but dang, it is MAGIC! (Disclaimer: I've never run a marathon! I ran 10 miles once and then I decided my running career was coming to a close). I hate to admit it publicly because I may eat my words, but I had a fleeting thought that maybe my labor was going to be so short this time on account of being a second baby that I wouldn't really get to enjoy it. (Aftasie's labor was around 12 hours, one hour being pushing).

So, there's my confession. I'm sharing it on my blog because I think someone needs to hear this. Labor is extremely exciting, no matter how you look at it - you end up with a baby in your arms and your body goes through major changes to become "unpregnant."It is not (or doesn't have to be) horrific. It can be beautiful and empowering. Your body was made to do it, actually.

New Post! That Suffices to Say.

I have – forgotten what I was going to say. I was sitting here to blog and there was a little disturbance and then I had to get up and tend to something in the house and I forgot how I was going to start my blog.

But anyway, I am sitting here watching TWO girls! Aftasie has a friend over and they’re both playing pretty quietly and happily. It’s great. I’m going to make sweet potato rounds in the toaster over (with olive oil and cinnamon!) and all is going to be a pretty fun morning.

So I’ve had some thoughts lately that are blogable (I guess). The last I will address first because it’s freshest in my mind. There are some parts of my house that are just embarassing. Mostly it’s my own personal space, but I’m getting really tired of it. Because I don’t enjoy it myself either. It’s too cluttered, too messy, too disorganized, etc. I don’t really know what to do about this except clean it, but it always reverts back to this state. I think what’s needed is more a change in habits than a change in cleaning routines (although that could be part of the routine). I’m really glad to be having company over semi-regularly (mostly friends for playdates!) because it gets me to clean up the main part of the house.  But my own space? Forget it. Maybe I need to have a party in my bedroom?? :P

That is just embarrassing to admit, really. I hate having a dirty and disorganized house. I love how it is when I deep clean and get everything straightened. But then slowly it reverts and I hardly notice until it’s so bad I just ignore it.

But change can happen, right? Anyone make successful changes to their habits? I’m 25 already, you know, so my habits are pretty much ingrained in me at this point.

Second is I have this inspiration to change the way I dress again. Every so often I see people who dress well, or at least dress with their personality, and I wish I was like that. I was just realizing that I am totally going to be the same person in 30 years if I don’t change my clothing habits, too. The only consistent change I have made so far is that if I’m not wearing athletic clothes, no sneakers. I’d  made an exception if it were for practical reasons, but with jeans, at least, I wear my Bean boots (and in the summer, flipflops).

The problem is not that I don’t think my clothes are stylish enough, or that they’re boring. I want suitability to task, appropriateness and coordination (IE, no heels with sweatpants!), and attractiveness suited to my own body and style along with simplicity. I don’t want a vintage wardrobe, or to commit to some kind of elaborate clothing rules. I just want to develop a simple, personal style that suits me and what I do. I want to be an intentional dresser, and not just haphazardly wear whatever comes out of the closet.

One problem right now is finding a shoe that is a little more attractive than winter boots, more formal than flipflops, and easy to walk in. Any suggestions? Ballet flats are not out of the question, but they need to be very comfortable for walking in. Maybe oxfords. I have a nice pair but they are breaking from being worn so much :( 

It’s also a little awkward that I get inspiration like this right before I lose weight, or as I’m growing from pregnancy :P But simplicity is always good, so I think I can learn some lessons right now from dressing for pregnancy.

Expecting!

We are expecting a baby!

I cannot tell you how excited we are, or how happy I am that morning sickness is almost over and baby-movement-feeling-time is almost here! :D

The last five weeks have not been so easy-peasy. Clinicals at the hospital were interspersed with "bathroom" breaks, and I've lost 16 pounds. I am so relieved that classes and finals are done. I think I could live through anything at the end of pregnancy after living through the nausea. Thankfully there were only two really bad weeks where I could hardly eat anything, and I thought I just couldn't keep going. I mean, after the first two DAYS I was counting down how far I had to go with the nausea and I couldn't believe that there might be another few months of it. But it's been 6 weeks now and I'm starting to feel a little better. Still throwing up here and there but nowhere near as nauseated. Thank GOD!

So now I'm a senior nursing AND 12 weeks preggo. Pretty exciting. I'm so glad I made it through the nausea and school! The baby is due at an interesting time - about three weeks before the end of classes -- but everything will end up working out and I'm really not worried at all. I can't wait to start feeling the baby kick. My pants are a little tight but I've lost so much weight it's not really that noticeable. Well, I admit it - I was in maternity pants at like 7 weeks. I hate feeling constricted around my waist anyway and I jumped at the chance to wear cushy waistband pants. But they keep falling down, and I have to pull them up constantly. :P

So, that's how I lost 16 pounds. Just don't eat anything and throw up anything that you do keep down!

I have been fantasizing about food for a while now, because in theory, a lot of stuff sounds good. But go to prepare it? Or actually face it on the plate? That's another story. So I have a running list of things I want to make when I feel better. I'm afraid of trying to eat it now and "ruining" it. Included are Grandmom's cheesecake, Porter's enchilada casserole (mmmm!) And Gramdmom's meatballs and spaghetti, which incidentally are in the freezer and I could just pop out right now but the thought of actually eating it makes me nauseous.

One of the only things I've been able to look forward and eat this past week is tomato soup. And chips and hummus. The rest of the stuff I just try not to think about, and drink it in between iced ginger ale or lemon-lime soda. So I think I'm off to eat a can of tomato soup!

Summer Has Begun

We are kicking off the start of a real summer break. The semester and finals are finally OVER! And I'm a senior nursing student. How crazy is that! Only one year to go.

We are going to have a fantastic summer break. We have a little garden this year, even, though we have zero green space on the property. Pics to come sometime soon :) The tomatoes already have blossoms on them!

Anyway. Maybe more blogging will happen this summer.

One more little note, I've lost 16 pounds in the last month and a half. I'll post soon to let you know how I did it! :D

Two weeks left!

Only 2 weeks of class left! Plus finals week, but I never count finals week. 

I'm so tired. Haha. I'm sitting in class right now so nothing really comes to mind to blog. I will be SO glad to see summer.

One Week

So, the other day I was interrupted while going on about my week. But here is a short synopsis for those who weren't in my brain that day (hopefully everyone!).

• Monday = 4 hours of class
• Tuesday = 1 hour of class, prep for next day's clinical (pathophys statement, information on 4-5 anticipated meds)
• Wednesday = an hour's drive each way to clinicals for 8.5 hours 
• Thursday = no class, but an assignment from clinicals that is due in 48 hours; takes between 6-8 hours to finish
• Friday = five hours of class

Weekends are "free" in the morning, but since I have Aftasie after 2pm I only have the mornings to do homework. Sometimes I get stuff done in the afternoon with her but not usually. 

I figured out I have 21 hours of class a week, plus homework. I'm also taking one class that I don't go to class for but have to do the work on my own (Spanish), so it would be more like 25 hours of class a week. 8.5 of that is clinicals and 2 are driving, but that's still a lot of class! It definitely works out to more than full-time work with homework. And even then, I am not anywhere close to as "up" on my work as I was in the first two years of school. But I'm more than passing, and that's OK with me. I asked myself the other day -- if I were to get passing grades and be relaxed, comfortable with my own learning, and have plenty of time at home, would I just stop doing certain assignments or slack in certain areas? I mean, what's the difference between an 80 and a 90? I still do my reading and stuff, but sometimes I feel like I should just let stuff go and focus on whatever makes me a good nurse and just forget about tests. But I'm afraid if I did that I would start failing.

Oh, speaking of reading, reading assignments can easily be over a hundred *textbook* pages for each week. Easily. A typical week: 4 chapters of peds; 2 of medsurg; 2 of research; 1 of history textbook, 1 of history sourcebook, and 11 chapters of reading from the test prep books (I don't do these unless I'm not passing practice tests, though, and they are very short chapters). 

IV

I found out today that I am indeed capable of putting an IV in! Perhaps not on all veins, but I am so glad my first one went off without a hitch. 

Life right now? Busy, busy, busy. Every so often I detail what a day looks like, here's an example. 

I'm pretty much tied up with mothering/house duties from 2pm on. Speaking of which, Aftasie just woke from sleeping, so I guess that's it for this post :P 

Homeschooled

Of course people know I'm homeschooled, once they get a taste of my self-righteousness!

Oh, it's awful. It's painful. Do you know how it is to be taught that you are one of the very few, and even maybe one of the ONLY chosen people? That you can't even associate freely with others who claim your group's membership because they have theology "issues" that condemn them to hell!?

The point is that I am very elitist. If someone else is doing it, my accomplishments are meaningless. No one else is right, all of my opinions are the very best (do you see how I rail on about how superior my weight loss solutions are? As if there aren't different best ways to do it that suit different individuals?)

It's SO hard to change :( So hard.

How do I escape this trap? I feel as though the choice is upon me now. Perhaps not for the first time, and I pray to God it's not the last, but I do hope I choose the right way, in spite of all my pride.

Weight

I was flipping through my old calendar and I noticed that I wrote on the last day of June, 2012, "149 lbs." Previously, I had marked on January 1, 2012, a full year ago, "172 lbs." I assume I expected the rest of the baby weight to fall off of me. But I have stayed at that weight for over six months now! Kind of remarkable, on the one hand, that I didn't gain it all back by my thoughtless eating. I have a feeling that this next six months will be the time to lose the next 15-20 pounds, depending on how close to pre-baby weight I really want to get. So bear with me, I might blog some updates on that from time to time, depending on how it's going and whether or not anything seems interesting.

One thing I have found is that if I skip a meal, it must be breakfast, and I have to make SURE to eat a hearty lunch. Not overstuffing myself, but just an actual lunch and not snacking. Then I can hold off till 6-7 to eat supper and wrap things up with a drink or a dessert before bed. It also helps to go out in the afternoon and not be bored! Also, I've noticed that I'm much more in tune with my metabolism these days. When I eat a lot of food in the evening, I'm ravenous the next morning. Absolutely starving. And if I've eaten light and it's evening, I can feel I'm colder. It's so interesting.

Another thing I do when I'm losing weight is make sure to not restrain myself at all for at least a few days of the week. I haven't been depriving myself during my lighter eating days (I eat anything, really! Only small amounts, or I decide to eat it and then wait a few hours to have it, or something like that to maintain a deficit) so I don't pig out. I just eat normally, and anything that I'm particularly hungry for whenever I'm hungry. When I have been eating only meals, with no seconds (generally, unless I'm really hungry) and no snacks, I find that I can't really pig out much anyway. It's like my stomach shrinks! (Probably really the case, actually).

But I'm getting tired of talking about weight, so enough with this post already.

Body and Text

There are so many voices in the world! As many as there are people. People publish all kinds of things online, write all kinds of books, say all kinds of things in person.

It is beginning to seem to me that words and language are somewhat like our bodies. Our bodies do certain things and feel certain things but our souls are not made of our bodies. Likewise, words say certain things and ideas take certain forms that can't help but form in our minds the moment we grasp them, but what really matters is the spirit. Does it matter so much what the words say as what the spirit is? If there is some bit of truth we can resonate with, am I not to resonate with it, ignoring the bad for the sake of preventing it from encroach upon this manifestation of truth?

I find myself very, very critical of everything (and naturally, critical of my judgement of it). And some things are worthy of criticism, sure, but what am I missing in the meantime? How can I shut out everything I come into contact with for the sake of it being impure and tainted with human spirit, which is full of shortcomings? How can I shut out every cry of my heart for the sake of "not trusting my heart" and still hear God? Habits are hard to break.

How can God speak to my heart if I refuse to listen to my heart? How will God shape my soul if I refuse to acknowledge that anything beautiful could ever come of my soul? How much do I really trust God? Do I really believe that he is good, and that he is more powerful than I?

Honesty

I think it's time to be done with the falsehood and cowardice in my life. It's time to be done with the self-loathing, the narcissistic anger, and the affectation.

I think I know where it comes from, but it's time to be done with the judgment. It's time to be done with all of the things I "conceal carry," waiting and wishing for the moment I am able to (justly?!) pull my weapons and fire.

It's taken me a long time to feel free of the bondage of church.

It's taken me a long time to begin to stop believing lies that people have been feeding me.

I still can't forgive myself. But God can change my heart.

It's astonishing how prevalent lies and dishonesty are in my heart. I hide who I am from others, I ridicule myself when I am honest with myself, and I haven't been able to face God. But maybe now, I can?

It's not time for judgment, so I must turn my thoughts to something else, lest I ponder too long on how one comes to this point. No one to blame is one who can atone for the sin that resulted, so why cast it? Love covers over a multitude of wrongs.  So no more!