Thursday, July 19, 2018

Hello old friend

i think I started blogging in 2003. I remember getting an invitation to try Gmail in beta. I was 16. That's almost half my lifetime ago. 

It's strange realizing that this is what life is. For some reason I have a vision of an on going, celebratory state of being in which we've lived life and then exist in a state of happiness and satisfaction, patting each other on the back and saying "yes, yes! We did it well. We had a good life. Evening is good." 

But I've seen people die in front of my eyes, under my hands, and that is certainly not their state. And no one I can talk with knows what's beyond that. 


I am turning back to a blog to serve as a pacifier for Instagram. I've quit Facebook so many times but I have been in a few times and been so disgusted that I deactivated almost immediately with no temptation to return permanently. But I discovered Instagram and I've spent so much time wishing for my life to be different and celebrating my own life in carefully selected photos. I can't do it right now.   I have an account for my ongoing skin issues that I will keep going. It's just photos of my skin and discussing with other sufferers how we're all doing. 

Maybe there will just be this isolated blog post. Maybe there will be more. But I'm going to cuddle now with my 1712-day old daughter before she is 1713 days old. 

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Bye bye again

No more Facebook for me for a while. Too bad, because there is good on Facebook I believe, but there's too much going on in my life right now.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Habitual time wasting

I'm just trying to get out of the habit of checking Facebook first thing when I wake up and last thing before I go to bed :/

On the plus side, I looked at my calendar to confirm an appointment for next week and I realized I have a different appointment tomorrow!

A smartphone is useful for so many things, but also a time waster in so many ways. Same with Facebook. I have friends from afar who I definitely would not have the time to keep up with at all in person, but I keep up with them on Facebook and enjoy seeing them in person when I am able.

I think the best solution is just to be mindful.

I can't wait to wake up and have good times with my children tomorrow. I am sooo lucky! As frustrated as parenting can be, we have such great times together. This evening we put together a gingerbread house which was a kit from Trader Joe's. Pictures are on Ethan's phone because my phone camera is broken :/

Tuesday, October 18, 2016


I've biked 32 miles in the last two work days,  which is 32 miles more than I've biked in over six months! It's about 3 miles longer round trip to get to work from my new house. And there's a huge hill on the way home. I already feel better,  though. I really have noticed the effects from going from 60 miles a week to buying a car and biking zero miles a week. Unfortunately 7 of my gears (the lowest ones! ) are broken,  so I am getting an unecessarily killer workout. Soon to be fixed...

I love commuting to work. It takes about 17 minutes longer to bike and there's no possible way that I'd get a decent workout in that time otherwise!  And it's free,  and I'm less flabby when I bike!  The pounds haven't really crept up but everything is becoming fat instead of muscle.

I also like starting things when they're least likely to work out. I used to start new workout plans and weight loss goals in November,  because I figured if I could lose weight during the holidays and not wait till New Year rolled around,  I'd be more likely to succeed. In the same way,  it feels kind of good to be starting biking while it's pouring rain.  

Saturday, October 15, 2016


"Do you agree to all of these terms?" "I do."

It's official, I'm divorced. So anticlimactic, since in any real sense of the word we divorced long ago.

My kids are amazing hikers. Just want to boast that they climbed a butte around here (just over a mile one-way) in 2 hours, including all the time we spent at the top. No complaining, no having to prod them up. Millie did say a few times on the way down that she was tired. I haven't really hiked with them because neither Porter nor myself could really carry Millie without musculoskeletal pain of various sorts, and she couldn't go very far. It was very nice :)

I went shopping for clothes the other day and made some fantastic finds. Tights of all kinds were on clearance at Forever21 and to my surprise when I got them home they seemed very good quality and thick. I'll have to post pictures of some winter outfits.

I am not happy about the way things wear out. It just happens. My favorite pair of black heels lost the bottom of the heel, and the leather itself is very worn. And I noticed some of my favourite clothes having sweat discoloration, holes, etc, when I went through some clothes today.

But at least there's more! Thrift store shopping makes replacing items in my wardrobe (save a few special things that would be very difficult to replace) fairly inexpensive, and I do like the fact that I have actually worn out clothes, and not just gotten rid of them because they're out of style or something. And my shoes are very easily found, and I know exactly which model/size fits me well.

I went out for my birthday and asked E to take pictures of my dress. I'm not getting blogger to put the pictures where I want then. That is the off-the-shoulder dress. I keep thinking I turned 30! It was $7 at the thrift store with one my normal black pumps. I went out without any makeup purposely. It's not that I never go out bare faced, I just didn't want to have anyone see "red lipstick" in their mind when they saw me. I just wanted them to see me.

Also I wore jeans out at night the other day, which I never do! I tried to make it interesting. I think it worked? Didn't really like it but it was better than a tee. The buckle is a real scorpion in acrylic.  The jacket is a free pile find from long ago, which I rarely wear, but can't make myself get rid of. Jeans $6 LL Bean from a thrift store. Hat belongs to E :) Belt was from my sister probably 15 years ago. Oops.  You can see we haven't unpacked everything yet.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Omg, what life change!

So much to say.

The short of it is that I Porter and I separated, are in the process of divorcing, and I have moved in with my boyfriend E. This has taken the course of about a year.

I guess I don't have to divulge any more details than I wish. It's been a good life change for me. I feel more like myself than I have in years. I've had flashbacks to old feelings I haven't felt for years. I feel positive feelings often.

I'm trying to get rid of the guilt that plagues me. I've felt guilty single, guilt married and partnered. Guilty mostly for any happiness. I often feel like every moment of happiness, no matter how "innocent" or "good" is something I'm going to pay for with suffering. As a result it's been difficult for me to feel happy - certainly difficult to actually search it out for myself.

It's nice to just sit back and enjoy it when I feel happy. It's nice to try to figure out what makes me happy.

Maybe I'll blog more often. Though I do enjoy real life so much more than I used to, and sometimes public writing about it just doesn't do it. Call me. Let's talk and hang out :)

Out with kiddos

Strangely unable to edit text the way I wantand too frustrated with my phone to fix it. I'll just leave you with these pictures. And I have deactivated my Facebook account. I saw one too many idiotic, meaningless ads. Maybe I'll go back. But in the meantime it'll be nice to focus on people I know in person and do a little blogging :)