Homeschooled

Of course people know I'm homeschooled, once they get a taste of my self-righteousness!

Oh, it's awful. It's painful. Do you know how it is to be taught that you are one of the very few, and even maybe one of the ONLY chosen people? That you can't even associate freely with others who claim your group's membership because they have theology "issues" that condemn them to hell!?

The point is that I am very elitist. If someone else is doing it, my accomplishments are meaningless. No one else is right, all of my opinions are the very best (do you see how I rail on about how superior my weight loss solutions are? As if there aren't different best ways to do it that suit different individuals?)

It's SO hard to change :( So hard.

How do I escape this trap? I feel as though the choice is upon me now. Perhaps not for the first time, and I pray to God it's not the last, but I do hope I choose the right way, in spite of all my pride.

Weight

I was flipping through my old calendar and I noticed that I wrote on the last day of June, 2012, "149 lbs." Previously, I had marked on January 1, 2012, a full year ago, "172 lbs." I assume I expected the rest of the baby weight to fall off of me. But I have stayed at that weight for over six months now! Kind of remarkable, on the one hand, that I didn't gain it all back by my thoughtless eating. I have a feeling that this next six months will be the time to lose the next 15-20 pounds, depending on how close to pre-baby weight I really want to get. So bear with me, I might blog some updates on that from time to time, depending on how it's going and whether or not anything seems interesting.

One thing I have found is that if I skip a meal, it must be breakfast, and I have to make SURE to eat a hearty lunch. Not overstuffing myself, but just an actual lunch and not snacking. Then I can hold off till 6-7 to eat supper and wrap things up with a drink or a dessert before bed. It also helps to go out in the afternoon and not be bored! Also, I've noticed that I'm much more in tune with my metabolism these days. When I eat a lot of food in the evening, I'm ravenous the next morning. Absolutely starving. And if I've eaten light and it's evening, I can feel I'm colder. It's so interesting.

Another thing I do when I'm losing weight is make sure to not restrain myself at all for at least a few days of the week. I haven't been depriving myself during my lighter eating days (I eat anything, really! Only small amounts, or I decide to eat it and then wait a few hours to have it, or something like that to maintain a deficit) so I don't pig out. I just eat normally, and anything that I'm particularly hungry for whenever I'm hungry. When I have been eating only meals, with no seconds (generally, unless I'm really hungry) and no snacks, I find that I can't really pig out much anyway. It's like my stomach shrinks! (Probably really the case, actually).

But I'm getting tired of talking about weight, so enough with this post already.

Body and Text

There are so many voices in the world! As many as there are people. People publish all kinds of things online, write all kinds of books, say all kinds of things in person.

It is beginning to seem to me that words and language are somewhat like our bodies. Our bodies do certain things and feel certain things but our souls are not made of our bodies. Likewise, words say certain things and ideas take certain forms that can't help but form in our minds the moment we grasp them, but what really matters is the spirit. Does it matter so much what the words say as what the spirit is? If there is some bit of truth we can resonate with, am I not to resonate with it, ignoring the bad for the sake of preventing it from encroach upon this manifestation of truth?

I find myself very, very critical of everything (and naturally, critical of my judgement of it). And some things are worthy of criticism, sure, but what am I missing in the meantime? How can I shut out everything I come into contact with for the sake of it being impure and tainted with human spirit, which is full of shortcomings? How can I shut out every cry of my heart for the sake of "not trusting my heart" and still hear God? Habits are hard to break.

How can God speak to my heart if I refuse to listen to my heart? How will God shape my soul if I refuse to acknowledge that anything beautiful could ever come of my soul? How much do I really trust God? Do I really believe that he is good, and that he is more powerful than I?

Honesty

I think it's time to be done with the falsehood and cowardice in my life. It's time to be done with the self-loathing, the narcissistic anger, and the affectation.

I think I know where it comes from, but it's time to be done with the judgment. It's time to be done with all of the things I "conceal carry," waiting and wishing for the moment I am able to (justly?!) pull my weapons and fire.

It's taken me a long time to feel free of the bondage of church.

It's taken me a long time to begin to stop believing lies that people have been feeding me.

I still can't forgive myself. But God can change my heart.

It's astonishing how prevalent lies and dishonesty are in my heart. I hide who I am from others, I ridicule myself when I am honest with myself, and I haven't been able to face God. But maybe now, I can?

It's not time for judgment, so I must turn my thoughts to something else, lest I ponder too long on how one comes to this point. No one to blame is one who can atone for the sin that resulted, so why cast it? Love covers over a multitude of wrongs.  So no more!

Back?

I'm at the laundromat trying to get the laundry done before Porter goes to work (he's out grocery shopping with Aftasie), trying to get my "drug cards" finished before the exam next Friday, and make a little progress on my weekly clinical assignment.

The drug cards are for pharmacology class, which has proven a little easier than pathophysiology! I am enjoying it (never thought I'd say that) and it's going pretty well. Clinicals have actually turned into the funnest part of school. I dreaded them at first but I've gotten much more comfortable with the responsibilities I have and it's fun at times. I go to the hospital once a week and have my own patient for the day. I work with their nurse because there are some things I can't do -- anything IV related, anything related to meds except injections (don't ask me why!).

The clinical assignment takes a lot of my classmates 8-10 hours to do, sometimes longer. I'm not sure how long it takes me but it can be painstaking to list out meds when the patient has 30 of them, and you have to cover a lot of different factors (IE, name, class, action, therapeutic effect, contraindications, life threatening complications, dose, and nursing implications). That can take a LOOONG time. I've discovered, though, that if I work on the more creative part of the assignment first and do meds last it turns out much, much better. Otherwise by the time I'm done with meds and labs I'm just too tired of it to think of good care planning.

Life just goes around and round. I go to school in the mornings, Porter goes to work in the evenings, weekends (which don't always line up on the same days) come and FLY by, and the weeks and months seem to just fly. Aftasie keeps us happy, entertained, amazed, etc., (except when she wakes up Porter with raw eggs in bed that she took out of the fridge, then I'd say it's more like she keeps us on our toes and awake at all hours!)

Checking out the computer. 

One of many messy breakfasts. I remember not caring how neatly I ate! (And some in the house might argue I still don't...)

I dressed her up for halloween.

Always liking to be in the picture and on the computer. 

Porter bought a ball cap and she came to me saying "Hat!" with it on her head like this :) 

She is really something! She is talking in sentences and knows a lot more words than I think. I'm always surprised.

4th Week

It's hard for me to believe this is the fourth week of school that we're finishing up already. Everything is moving ahead at blazing speed. Today I went for clinical orientation at the hospital I'm assigned to. It's pretty exciting! Last semester we were in the lab preparing for 9 weeks; this time for 3 weeks. It'll be pretty great to get out there are start doing nursing stuff. A little scary, too.

I also had a math test this morning, which we have to pass with 100% to proceed. I'm not particularly worried about it because I have passed all of the math tests so far without a hitch (it's mostly basic math, but it's a little tricky setting up conversion factors and we've had to memorize things like how many milliliters are in a teaspoon).

It is quiet in the house for once. Porter is at work and Aftasie went to sleep (she skipped her nap today!). She slept really late and I figured she wouldn't nap, but I had no idea she'd go to bed at 7. If she doesn't wake up in a few minutes I'm going to be holding my breath to see what time she gets up tomorrow. Probably at the crack of dawn :P

Aftasie is wonderfully social. She has been going to daycare 1-3 hours a week because of our schedules overlapping in the afternoon and she has had such a fun time playing there. Today she didn't want to leave! We hung out there together for probably 30 minutes before I insisted we move on home. Then we went to school on the way home to pick something up and we were there for at least another hour. She talked with people, looked at rocks on the ground, ate some food, picked some flowers, and just hung out. She is a fun little girl :)

Well...I'm "free," so homework calls. Just wanted to give a quick update, since I know it's been a while since I've written and it'll probably be a while till I update again :)

Hello, Goodbye!

The first week of school has flown, as usual. Yesterday we headed to the coast and visited a new place, Cape Kiwanda. It was absolutely beautiful! You had to walk past a beach full of cars (yes, they drive on the sand and it was like a parking lot!!) and hike up a huge sand dune to get away from everyone. It was like an anthill on one side, and the people really did look like ants, making their way to the top. The water was absolutely gorgeous and the whole thing was great. It was like the southwest mixed with the ocean -- red sedimented rocks, scrubby brush, etc. I don't know if that's the right way to put it, but that's what it reminded me of. I am flabbergasted almost every time we go to a new place on the coast. I had no idea there was so much variety on the coasts of the US, let alone just a small stretch of Oregon coast. The best part of our coast is that none of it is privately owned. All of it is public access. There are not many places with high-rise condos, either, and the hikes lead you through pristine forest (yes, rugged forest right next to the coast!).

We all came down sick yesterday. Aftasie had already had it, but Porter and I really got it. Runny nose, coughing, lots of yucky dripping in the sinuses and throat :( Poor Aftasie, she has had a difficult time nursing at night. We haven't quite spent all night in the rocking chair yet. Hopefully she'll be a little better tonight. It's been so hard to watch her not be able to latch on properly! I can imagine that this sort of thing puts her at risk for dehydration so we've really been pushing water, and I've been thinking about pumping so she can at least drink from a cup. Thankfully it's a lot better during the day when she's up and about. She is so cheerful.