Of course people know I'm homeschooled, once they get a taste of my self-righteousness!
Oh, it's awful. It's painful. Do you know how it is to be taught that you are one of the very few, and even maybe one of the ONLY chosen people? That you can't even associate freely with others who claim your group's membership because they have theology "issues" that condemn them to hell!?
The point is that I am very elitist. If someone else is doing it, my accomplishments are meaningless. No one else is right, all of my opinions are the very best (do you see how I rail on about how superior my weight loss solutions are? As if there aren't different best ways to do it that suit different individuals?)
It's SO hard to change :( So hard.
How do I escape this trap? I feel as though the choice is upon me now. Perhaps not for the first time, and I pray to God it's not the last, but I do hope I choose the right way, in spite of all my pride.
My childhood wasn't quite as rarefied as yours (I wasn't homeschooled); I did belong to a Christian sect that taught that only we were saved and maybe not all of us and I recognize this dynamic. As if all humans were sinful but the others were just a little more sinful than we were.
ReplyDeleteFWIW, my experiences -- the elitism rubs off a bit the more time you spend with other people and start to realize that they are not automatically less qualified to comment off the bat. (This is what people mean when they talk about the socializing effect of school settings. In a group setting you learn that your way is not necessarily better -- because other people let you know that.) What eventually really changed my life was a few experiences of being drastically humiliated. It made me think more about the situations of other people and helped me realize how little I really had to be proud about.
Yeah, I see what you mean by socialization.
DeleteNursing school has been helping. I mean, I can remember moments when I was jealous just for there being more than myself in the class, which is a RIDICULOUS sentiment. It helps to see that others can do just as well as I can, and that while there may be things that I do well at, the uniqueness of that is not the value.
Thanks, anonymous :)
I was thinking last night, as well, that somewhere along the way I learned to really admire people honestly and openly for the things they do better than I do (as opposed to seeing them as having made my own accomplishments meaningless). I'm not exactly sure when or how that happened, either. I suppose one could pray for discernment to see those moments more easily and to have more generosity of spirit. It's something I still struggle with, as well.
DeleteYou see your post has been very fruitful for my own thinking.
ps. And good luck. What you're doing IS hard.
ReplyDeleteThe Internet ate the comment I left last night, apparently. So Take 2:
ReplyDeleteAs someone who grew up Amish Mennonite and was home/church-schooled, I can certainly relate to your elitist tendencies. I'm over 15 years out and still working on it! It's weird because as much as I want peer friends, it's hard not to make a competition out of it when I have them. Gah! Figuring out the difference between a healthy self-confidence and condescension toward others can be tricky. Because, of course, we do have valuable contributions to make, but we're not the only ones who do.
And to echo what Anonymous said above, you're doing multiple demanding things at the same time (motherhood, being a student, blazing a new trail for yourself, etc.). You should be proud!
For what it's worth, when we were younger, you never made me feel like you thought you were better than me, and we had very different upbringings. You were always friendly, talkative, enthusiastic, and happy to share your interests.
ReplyDeleteI truly hope you are doing well, Bonnie!
Thanks, Amdftw. Bonnie's the bomb.
ReplyDelete