Hello old friend

i think I started blogging in 2003. I remember getting an invitation to try Gmail in beta. I was 16. That's almost half my lifetime ago. 

It's strange realizing that this is what life is. For some reason I have a vision of an on going, celebratory state of being in which we've lived life and then exist in a state of happiness and satisfaction, patting each other on the back and saying "yes, yes! We did it well. We had a good life. Evening is good." 

But I've seen people die in front of my eyes, under my hands, and that is certainly not their state. And no one I can talk with knows what's beyond that. 

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I am turning back to a blog to serve as a pacifier for Instagram. I've quit Facebook so many times but I have been in a few times and been so disgusted that I deactivated almost immediately with no temptation to return permanently. But I discovered Instagram and I've spent so much time wishing for my life to be different and celebrating my own life in carefully selected photos. I can't do it right now.   I have an account for my ongoing skin issues that I will keep going. It's just photos of my skin and discussing with other sufferers how we're all doing. 

Maybe there will just be this isolated blog post. Maybe there will be more. But I'm going to cuddle now with my 1712-day old daughter before she is 1713 days old.