Homeschooled

Of course people know I'm homeschooled, once they get a taste of my self-righteousness!

Oh, it's awful. It's painful. Do you know how it is to be taught that you are one of the very few, and even maybe one of the ONLY chosen people? That you can't even associate freely with others who claim your group's membership because they have theology "issues" that condemn them to hell!?

The point is that I am very elitist. If someone else is doing it, my accomplishments are meaningless. No one else is right, all of my opinions are the very best (do you see how I rail on about how superior my weight loss solutions are? As if there aren't different best ways to do it that suit different individuals?)

It's SO hard to change :( So hard.

How do I escape this trap? I feel as though the choice is upon me now. Perhaps not for the first time, and I pray to God it's not the last, but I do hope I choose the right way, in spite of all my pride.

Weight

I was flipping through my old calendar and I noticed that I wrote on the last day of June, 2012, "149 lbs." Previously, I had marked on January 1, 2012, a full year ago, "172 lbs." I assume I expected the rest of the baby weight to fall off of me. But I have stayed at that weight for over six months now! Kind of remarkable, on the one hand, that I didn't gain it all back by my thoughtless eating. I have a feeling that this next six months will be the time to lose the next 15-20 pounds, depending on how close to pre-baby weight I really want to get. So bear with me, I might blog some updates on that from time to time, depending on how it's going and whether or not anything seems interesting.

One thing I have found is that if I skip a meal, it must be breakfast, and I have to make SURE to eat a hearty lunch. Not overstuffing myself, but just an actual lunch and not snacking. Then I can hold off till 6-7 to eat supper and wrap things up with a drink or a dessert before bed. It also helps to go out in the afternoon and not be bored! Also, I've noticed that I'm much more in tune with my metabolism these days. When I eat a lot of food in the evening, I'm ravenous the next morning. Absolutely starving. And if I've eaten light and it's evening, I can feel I'm colder. It's so interesting.

Another thing I do when I'm losing weight is make sure to not restrain myself at all for at least a few days of the week. I haven't been depriving myself during my lighter eating days (I eat anything, really! Only small amounts, or I decide to eat it and then wait a few hours to have it, or something like that to maintain a deficit) so I don't pig out. I just eat normally, and anything that I'm particularly hungry for whenever I'm hungry. When I have been eating only meals, with no seconds (generally, unless I'm really hungry) and no snacks, I find that I can't really pig out much anyway. It's like my stomach shrinks! (Probably really the case, actually).

But I'm getting tired of talking about weight, so enough with this post already.

Body and Text

There are so many voices in the world! As many as there are people. People publish all kinds of things online, write all kinds of books, say all kinds of things in person.

It is beginning to seem to me that words and language are somewhat like our bodies. Our bodies do certain things and feel certain things but our souls are not made of our bodies. Likewise, words say certain things and ideas take certain forms that can't help but form in our minds the moment we grasp them, but what really matters is the spirit. Does it matter so much what the words say as what the spirit is? If there is some bit of truth we can resonate with, am I not to resonate with it, ignoring the bad for the sake of preventing it from encroach upon this manifestation of truth?

I find myself very, very critical of everything (and naturally, critical of my judgement of it). And some things are worthy of criticism, sure, but what am I missing in the meantime? How can I shut out everything I come into contact with for the sake of it being impure and tainted with human spirit, which is full of shortcomings? How can I shut out every cry of my heart for the sake of "not trusting my heart" and still hear God? Habits are hard to break.

How can God speak to my heart if I refuse to listen to my heart? How will God shape my soul if I refuse to acknowledge that anything beautiful could ever come of my soul? How much do I really trust God? Do I really believe that he is good, and that he is more powerful than I?

Honesty

I think it's time to be done with the falsehood and cowardice in my life. It's time to be done with the self-loathing, the narcissistic anger, and the affectation.

I think I know where it comes from, but it's time to be done with the judgment. It's time to be done with all of the things I "conceal carry," waiting and wishing for the moment I am able to (justly?!) pull my weapons and fire.

It's taken me a long time to feel free of the bondage of church.

It's taken me a long time to begin to stop believing lies that people have been feeding me.

I still can't forgive myself. But God can change my heart.

It's astonishing how prevalent lies and dishonesty are in my heart. I hide who I am from others, I ridicule myself when I am honest with myself, and I haven't been able to face God. But maybe now, I can?

It's not time for judgment, so I must turn my thoughts to something else, lest I ponder too long on how one comes to this point. No one to blame is one who can atone for the sin that resulted, so why cast it? Love covers over a multitude of wrongs.  So no more!