Some Nursing Mother Ramblings

I sat down over an hour ago to blog some thoughts I had, and I  got distracted and then Tass woke from her nap, so I didn’t get to do it!

This morning the newest edition of Midwifery Today came and there were a bunch of photos from a photo contest. One of them had a woman nursing her daughter in a birthing pool with a new baby on the other side of her chest (presumably nursing) with the father also in the pool looking on. Now these days, when I get the time to look at stuff like Midwifery Today, or photos of babies, I just tear up. I am not normally like that so I chalk it up to pregnany hormones. I mean, yeah, I tear up a lot anyway, but this is like crying on steroids. It’s so easily provoked! But looking at this picture I was so touched, and then I thought about all of the frustration and resentment I’ve had nursing Aftasie. Overall, I’ve loved nursing. I loved the feeling of holding a  baby in my arms and giving them nourishment, and I loved nursing Aftasie when she was a lot smaller. But somewhere along the line I really lost the joy. These days putting Aftasie to sleep on the nipple has been frightfully frustrating because pregnancy has made my nipples feel like she is ripping them off when she first latches on and when I let down. But through the past year or so I really have forgotten about all of the ideals I had about nursing, and all of the things I believed about nursing as nurturing. I have simply seen it as a frustrating moment to be lived through. I don’t really want to wean her, because I know we’ll lose a connection that will never happen again, and I don’t necessarily want to hurry that away. I also have been finding no value in the here and now and in the present act of nurturing my daughter. Why does she want to nurse? She’s not hungry or thirsty, so why should I nurse her? But why does she want to nurse? I think I’ve refound my inspiration to nurse her, as I see ourselves in a clearer picture of who we are -- she is a very young child and I am her mother. She’s not nursing to frustrate me or control me, and it’s not her fault it hurts to nurse these days. She wants to be close to me, and to suck, as she's done from birth, and maybe have a comfy place to lie down. Heck, it hurt like hell the first week and I was nothing but gushing for her (with tears in my eyes for the pain!).

Other things I’ve realized today that are related to nursing are that it’s OK to struggle. We hung out at the park with some other moms today (as is becoming our habit!) and it’s nice to hear that no one feels particularly productive as far as housework goes, and to hear people admit that they just can’t do it all. I can’t either! It makes me resent it less when I hear other moms say the same thing. It’s not like my own personal problem, it’s just parenting. Yeah, kids take a lot of time. Yeah, you don’t keep the house spotless. And it’s OK. It really is. The problem is that it’s not REALLY OK -- I don’t like the house a mess. It’s learning not just how to not feel guilty about it but not be bothered so much by it. I mean, I guess some people are able to have a spotless house, but I'm not one of them.

On another note, it’s also not true that no one has time for anything as a parent. I brew, I cook, I do a little school, but there is less time in a day simply because my time is divided. I think organization must really be key to being more productive and I’d like to figure out how to work that into my life. I’ve aready mention meals, I think, and the dishes goal (which is going great! Except for the one night when I cooked for a potluck and thought to myself “Oh, the dishes will wait.” Haha! Yes, they waited. And waited, for three days until the kitchen was smelly.

That’s another thing I have to touch on here. While it’s true that your child “won’t keep,” which usually is followed by something like “So don’t do the dishes” -- do you know how much worse it is if you don’t do the dishes? I just don’t understand how this could be true. I mean, what is your child going to be doing LATER when you do the HUGE pile of dishes that stinks to high heavens? Goodness, no, this is just a recipe for super-frustration. At least this is what I've found.

Different Stages

I have been hanging out with moms recently, since Aftasie goes out on playdates and we meet at places like the library and the indoor fun parks around here. I was just realizing today how out of sync my life projects are with most of the rest of "normal" people. When I'm at school, there is pretty much no one pregnant. You're the anomaly if you are. In these groups of moms out there, practically everyone is pregnant or has a child or more, and everyone owns an Ergo and potty training is either coming up or just finished.

I know it's not really the general public, though, since plenty of moms are working instead of having the luxury of taking children out on playdates and such. (And believe me, I never understood the word "playdate" --and even thought it was funny --  until I had a kiddo!). But anyway, it's just dawning on me that it really is not the usual thing to raise a family and do undergraduate at the same time (statistically speaking, that is).

But I guess I'm not a statistic, am I? :)

Christmas in May

I am SO blown away and happy by the wonderful gift I got from a friend recently. She just had another baby and asked me if I wanted her maternity clothes. GODSEND! I wore out a lot of the clothes I had with Aftasie because I had so few -- the pants got holes in places that made them absolutely indecent and I had to throw them away, and some of the shirts are stained. Well, anyway, I am just getting to the size where I'm not really fitting in my regular shirts and they don't hang down long enough to cover my pants. And here comes this huge box of cute maternity clothes that, excepting two pieces, fit me and they are are really nice. Like Christmas on steroids. Except I never used to get presents on Christmas, really, so like birthday on steroids I guess. It was WONDERFUL to unpack the box. Now I just have to pack away the clothes that are getting too small and I should have a much easier time managing my clothes.

Also, I love it when the best solution to shoes is to look in your closet. Granted, I don't really have many shoes to begin with (I think I might be up to 8, counting flip-flops) but I had totally forgotten about this great pair of shoes I had scored at the thrift store that meet all of the expectations I had noted here in the last post -- brown leather, comfortable for walking, nicer than sneakers without being dressy. LOVE it. Also, I realized I have a few maternity dresses in the closet, which is going to be perfect once summer re-arrives (it's begun to rain again, and probably will for the next month or so). I think I had gotten them at the very end of pregnancy last time so I didn't have much of a chance to wear them since I was pregnant mostly in the winter.

Habits

So, I know I get the same thing happening every season, and especially whenever I get busy. My personal-belonging-life falls apart. Even my not-so-personal-belonging-life falls apart, as much as it depends on me to keep them clean and organized. And I am really concerned that I am using incorrect punctuation, but I can't decide whether there is one too many dashes. Dash it! Oh well :)

Ok, so my conclusion after a lot of thought is that my today-self is making my tomorrow-self hate myself. I'm not doing myself a favor by not doing the dishes after each meal, or by putting off any kind of small, easily performed cleaning till tomorrow. I'm going to have change habits. Right now I feel so behind because my own laundry from LAST week is not put away yet and the kitchen is a mess from last night's flurry of cooking and eating. So. Where to start?

There are two domains that I think need to be dealt with, mostly, because they have to do with every day routine occurrences. One is the kitchen (food) and the other is the bedroom (clothes). The living room and toys don't really bother me so much -- the toys can wait, spilled food CANNOT. I'm pretty good about this in the living room because we have a carpet and I just can't let things sit. But on the kitchen floor? Eh. (I'm talking about little spills here, though, understand. They just build up if not dealt with).

So two habits to begin immediately, well, three.

1. all dishes get rinsed off when finished using them and stacked neatly on the counter next to the sink
2. all clothes get sorted immediately as to whether they can be worn again and put away or in the laundry, even if I'm planning on putting it on later again
3. I'm including this third, even though it should be a no-brainer; all recyclables and trash immediately go to their designated receptacles. It's easy for me to stash tissues by the couch, for instance, because I don't want to get up and put them in the trash. But this is, well, disgusting. Likewise, that can that held salmon is still in the sink and it's going to be disgusting if it hasn't been really well-rinsed and out, and I should have put it in the recycle yesterday

I have tried things like "All dishes must be done at night" but sometimes it's just too overwhelming or I actually don't have the time to do them. This way I can keep the kitchen at least more attractive during its dirty phases.

Pregnancy Thus Far

So, here I am coming up on 14 weeks! I can't say the pregnancy has flown by so far, because the nausea has really made things feel dragged out. But I am afraid once I feel better the weeks are going to fly and I'm going to be un-pregnant again before I know it.

Now, I LOVE the thought of my new little baby being born, but I also am looking forward to this pregnancy SO much. I can't wait to be sure I am feeling the baby move. I felt like I was feeling the baby last night but I was so groggy that I was just really excited and not really sure what I was feeling. I keep having flashbacks to when Aftasie was in the womb. I remember her position, and how her heels felt sticking out on the right side of my belly, and the glorious flips that occurred occasionally. I mean, I really enjoyed pregnancy last time once the morning sickness was over. I guess by the time the end has come I will be feeling that it was long enough, but I am still know that pregnancy is such a short fraction of life that it most definitely will fly by whether or not I pay attention to it, and I really don't want to miss it (especially the "easy" second trimester coming up!).

Another thing that may sound crazy is that I honestly am looking forward to labor. I can't wait! I know I've done this before. I can't say I remember the pain, because I can't feel it again, but I remember my thoughts and the feelings that went with it -- "OH, this is why women want epidurals!" and "I want my midwife here NOW," and not being able to talk during contractions, and goodness, the pushing. But it was like running a marathon. Sure, you don't feel comfortable during part of it, and sure, you have little flashes of doubt that you can finish, and sure, you are looking forward to the finish line, but dang, it is MAGIC! (Disclaimer: I've never run a marathon! I ran 10 miles once and then I decided my running career was coming to a close). I hate to admit it publicly because I may eat my words, but I had a fleeting thought that maybe my labor was going to be so short this time on account of being a second baby that I wouldn't really get to enjoy it. (Aftasie's labor was around 12 hours, one hour being pushing).

So, there's my confession. I'm sharing it on my blog because I think someone needs to hear this. Labor is extremely exciting, no matter how you look at it - you end up with a baby in your arms and your body goes through major changes to become "unpregnant."It is not (or doesn't have to be) horrific. It can be beautiful and empowering. Your body was made to do it, actually.

New Post! That Suffices to Say.

I have – forgotten what I was going to say. I was sitting here to blog and there was a little disturbance and then I had to get up and tend to something in the house and I forgot how I was going to start my blog.

But anyway, I am sitting here watching TWO girls! Aftasie has a friend over and they’re both playing pretty quietly and happily. It’s great. I’m going to make sweet potato rounds in the toaster over (with olive oil and cinnamon!) and all is going to be a pretty fun morning.

So I’ve had some thoughts lately that are blogable (I guess). The last I will address first because it’s freshest in my mind. There are some parts of my house that are just embarassing. Mostly it’s my own personal space, but I’m getting really tired of it. Because I don’t enjoy it myself either. It’s too cluttered, too messy, too disorganized, etc. I don’t really know what to do about this except clean it, but it always reverts back to this state. I think what’s needed is more a change in habits than a change in cleaning routines (although that could be part of the routine). I’m really glad to be having company over semi-regularly (mostly friends for playdates!) because it gets me to clean up the main part of the house.  But my own space? Forget it. Maybe I need to have a party in my bedroom?? :P

That is just embarrassing to admit, really. I hate having a dirty and disorganized house. I love how it is when I deep clean and get everything straightened. But then slowly it reverts and I hardly notice until it’s so bad I just ignore it.

But change can happen, right? Anyone make successful changes to their habits? I’m 25 already, you know, so my habits are pretty much ingrained in me at this point.

Second is I have this inspiration to change the way I dress again. Every so often I see people who dress well, or at least dress with their personality, and I wish I was like that. I was just realizing that I am totally going to be the same person in 30 years if I don’t change my clothing habits, too. The only consistent change I have made so far is that if I’m not wearing athletic clothes, no sneakers. I’d  made an exception if it were for practical reasons, but with jeans, at least, I wear my Bean boots (and in the summer, flipflops).

The problem is not that I don’t think my clothes are stylish enough, or that they’re boring. I want suitability to task, appropriateness and coordination (IE, no heels with sweatpants!), and attractiveness suited to my own body and style along with simplicity. I don’t want a vintage wardrobe, or to commit to some kind of elaborate clothing rules. I just want to develop a simple, personal style that suits me and what I do. I want to be an intentional dresser, and not just haphazardly wear whatever comes out of the closet.

One problem right now is finding a shoe that is a little more attractive than winter boots, more formal than flipflops, and easy to walk in. Any suggestions? Ballet flats are not out of the question, but they need to be very comfortable for walking in. Maybe oxfords. I have a nice pair but they are breaking from being worn so much :( 

It’s also a little awkward that I get inspiration like this right before I lose weight, or as I’m growing from pregnancy :P But simplicity is always good, so I think I can learn some lessons right now from dressing for pregnancy.

Expecting!

We are expecting a baby!

I cannot tell you how excited we are, or how happy I am that morning sickness is almost over and baby-movement-feeling-time is almost here! :D

The last five weeks have not been so easy-peasy. Clinicals at the hospital were interspersed with "bathroom" breaks, and I've lost 16 pounds. I am so relieved that classes and finals are done. I think I could live through anything at the end of pregnancy after living through the nausea. Thankfully there were only two really bad weeks where I could hardly eat anything, and I thought I just couldn't keep going. I mean, after the first two DAYS I was counting down how far I had to go with the nausea and I couldn't believe that there might be another few months of it. But it's been 6 weeks now and I'm starting to feel a little better. Still throwing up here and there but nowhere near as nauseated. Thank GOD!

So now I'm a senior nursing AND 12 weeks preggo. Pretty exciting. I'm so glad I made it through the nausea and school! The baby is due at an interesting time - about three weeks before the end of classes -- but everything will end up working out and I'm really not worried at all. I can't wait to start feeling the baby kick. My pants are a little tight but I've lost so much weight it's not really that noticeable. Well, I admit it - I was in maternity pants at like 7 weeks. I hate feeling constricted around my waist anyway and I jumped at the chance to wear cushy waistband pants. But they keep falling down, and I have to pull them up constantly. :P

So, that's how I lost 16 pounds. Just don't eat anything and throw up anything that you do keep down!

I have been fantasizing about food for a while now, because in theory, a lot of stuff sounds good. But go to prepare it? Or actually face it on the plate? That's another story. So I have a running list of things I want to make when I feel better. I'm afraid of trying to eat it now and "ruining" it. Included are Grandmom's cheesecake, Porter's enchilada casserole (mmmm!) And Gramdmom's meatballs and spaghetti, which incidentally are in the freezer and I could just pop out right now but the thought of actually eating it makes me nauseous.

One of the only things I've been able to look forward and eat this past week is tomato soup. And chips and hummus. The rest of the stuff I just try not to think about, and drink it in between iced ginger ale or lemon-lime soda. So I think I'm off to eat a can of tomato soup!

Summer Has Begun

We are kicking off the start of a real summer break. The semester and finals are finally OVER! And I'm a senior nursing student. How crazy is that! Only one year to go.

We are going to have a fantastic summer break. We have a little garden this year, even, though we have zero green space on the property. Pics to come sometime soon :) The tomatoes already have blossoms on them!

Anyway. Maybe more blogging will happen this summer.

One more little note, I've lost 16 pounds in the last month and a half. I'll post soon to let you know how I did it! :D