Thursday, February 24, 2022

Error

 I'm not able to load my blog right now, it just says error. 


"My blog." Back in the day, when everyone just had "a blog." Haha. Now I feel like most people have specific reasons to have a blog - cooking, crafts, etc. Otherwise, I think people share mundane personal news with social media. 


I am intrigued by way in which I want time to flow, and I have tried to be more mindful about it. I used to spend a lot of time at home worrying about going to work. I would start to think about it as soon as I was off from work. Omg, the weekend is going to go really fast. It's gonna be over before I know it and I'll be back at work. Then at work, I would just wish to be home and count down the days/hours till I was home again. But then I realized I was just bouncing between two states of discontent, and wishing for time to go faster, or making it go faster by worry. So I try to enjoy all of the time, even at work. When people at work say "I hope your shift goes by quickly," I smile to myself and think "I hope I get to live a lot of life. I hope it doesn't go too fast!"

I have tried to do this by noticing how it feels to know it is my last night of work. I feel joyous and happy that I'm about to go home, but I'm still working. On any given shift, though, being home is not far away. I can feel joyous and happy about being in a state of working and about to be home even on my first day of work.

Another illustration of this respect of time is that I have a party planned for Saturday. I am really looking forward to it. I realized with dismay that after the party comes Sunday, which is a workday for me. But then I remembered I have the weekend off, and it was OK to just look forward to Saturday because there is not work immediately following it. But how can I just be so focused on Saturday that I miss the rest of my days off preceding it? How can I appreciate them less, just because I have more of them after Saturday? How much more would I enjoy life if I just appreciated all of it? 


Thursday, November 18, 2021

Every Step Gets You Closer

I wrote this song on my way home from work. I frequently bike and I was riding through the cemetery and then a lot of this came out all at once. I am part of the code team at work, and there are a lot of old men who die. Every time I sing the verse "What makes you so different than that old man lying in his final dying bed? He breathes his last, he slips away, it's like he never was" I think of the last person I saw die. Their visage just pops into my mind. It replaces the last one I saw die.

    Sometimes family is there, sometimes not. Sometimes it's expected, sometimes not. The similarities are the grey color of their skin and empty eyes. It's creepy, yes, but not any more creepy than living with the knowledge this is coming up for you and me. One day, your eyes will not be able to see that you are just a skeleton. What is the answer? I don't know. 



Thursday, October 28, 2021

First Time

One time, when I had only been a nurse for a few months, I had a patient who put on his call button while I was washing my hands at the sink outside his door at the nurses station. As I was drying my hands, I looked up and saw the remote monitor alarming.

I quickly entered his room and he was already dead. 


Tuesday, September 28, 2021

The Miracle

 When I started nursing school, I had no car. When I finished nursing school I was on my second car and it broke shortly after I started working as a nurse, so I biked every day, rain or shine, for about a year. Then when I got together with my boyfriend Ethan, he fixed up an '95 Toyota Corolla that he had as a second car and gave it to me, and I started driving to work. It was light blue, covered with hippie bumper stickers that had all been peeled or fallen halfway off. There was a design flaw in the car that made all of the keys for '95 Corollas nearly interchangeable, especially when worn, so Ethan also gave it to me with a club, which I faithfully used. 

After a particularly stressful night in the ICU as a new nurse, driving home around 8am, I decided to stop at the mini-Walmart on the way home. I was in the habit of wearing lipstick at the time, and buying the $8 lipstick instead of the $1 lipstick felt like a real indulgence after having been a poor student.

I decided to pull in and indulge myself. It was right on the way home, only a mile or two from the hospital. I heard a voice in my head say "No, just go home. You have to work tomorrow. You have plenty of lipstick." After pulling into a parking space, I stepped out of the car. Now, there was another flaw in the car. Whether it was a design flaw or just a result of being old, I don't know. The door tended to swing shut on its own. The next thought I had was "Shit!", as the door had closed, the door was locked, and my keys were inside. Additionally, the lights were on, and my phone was in the car.  

Thankfully my wallet was in my pocket. I was inexperienced enough with cars that I'd never locked myself out, but familiar enough with pop culture portrayals of peril to have visions of easily unlocking the car with a wire. Target was next door, which had a better chance of having a metal clothing hanger. I ended up buying some sort of kitchen utensil which I was able unwind, and I spent at least a half-hour trying to unlock the door, knowing the battery was getting deader by the minute. Ethan was already sleeping and probably had the ringer off, so I decided against hunting down a cell phone. 

Even though Eugene has a lot of buses, most only ran every 30 minutes, and to get home I needed to make multiple connections, so I spent several hours walking and riding buses to get home. When I woke up in the afternoon, I let Ethan know what had happened. He'd had a stressful day himself, but was understanding and we decided to just leave a little early in his car to unlock the car and do a jump start.

When we arrived, the car was intact. Ethan unlocked the car with difficulty, as the lock was uncooperative with lock picking efforts. As expected, the battery was dead, but with a jump it started right up. I was so excited I got out of the car and hugged him. "What a relief! Thank you so much!" I heard the door shut behind me. Ethan had gotten back into his car and was ready to say goodbye, but when I tried the door, I found it had locked itself. I assume this was from our combined lock picking attempts. The engine was also running, and the lights were on. When I told Ethan, he said a quiet "Fuck," and held his head in his hands as he leaned on his steering wheel. I was just kind of stunned, and on the verge of tears of tiredness and frustration. I turned away and leaned my back on his car and tried to think of what we were going to do next.

Fifteen seconds later, before either of us formulated a plan, a car pulled into the space next to my car. A young hispanic woman got out, and started leading her 4 children into Walmart. I realized she had just parked an older Corolla. "Excuse me!" I said, "I know this is going to sound crazy, but could I just borrow your key for a minute?" and yammered something about a design flaw in the locking system of Corollas. She looked at me for a moment, appearing confused, but she held out her keys to me.

I slipped the key in my door, and turned it. The door unlocked, and I made it to work on time.

Ever since I have had a sort of healthy paranoia about the possibility of locking myself out of my car, and even though the car I have now doesn't lock itself, I always check my pocket for my keys twice before I shut the door behind me. 

Thoughts on my bike in the rain

 Sometimes it's just hard to get past titling a post.


On my rainy bike commute home this morning I thought of a story that always amuses me. And then I thought of another story, and another, and I thought I would like to write them down. I don't want to ask anyone to read them, but if anyone is still reading this, then perhaps you would like to read them anyway. I have had a long night of work, and my hands are about shot from charting, so they will have to continue to brew in my mind. But perhaps soon one will present itself here. 

Tuesday, February 9, 2021

Untitled

Why did you keep me asleep so long? 

Why did you cover my eyes?

Why did you impose your fears on me? 
 
Perhaps you are asleep yourself. 

I guess the why is not so important as "what now?" 


Friday, April 24, 2020

Green Plants, Black Coffee, and We're All Going to Die

In the past that last little bit would have been followed up by "So believe in Jesus and repent so you can go to heaven!" but now it's not. You can draw your own conclusions from that. 

Death, however, is the most assured thing we have going on, right? 

I'm sitting in my living room surrounded by my plants, my kids are outside biking, and I'm sipping coffee. Ok I lied, it is not completely black. It has heavy cream in it. 

In some ways, a blog is perfect for me. The way I can change topics in a sentence, the way I can expound on anything I wish, and the way I can say as much or as little as I wish. And I barely have to think of anyone listening, unlike facebook and instagram, both of which have grown to have such disappointing features. 

Well this is cut short by children who I love more than anything else. Happily I can put the computer down and enjoy these moments, because what else does anyone have? I would be a fool to miss them.